The Glasses We Wear in Relationships
How connection and disconnection change what we see in each other
Have you ever noticed how the exact same thing your partner does can land completely differently depending on how connected you feel to them?
When things are going well, your partner forgets something at the store, and you think, They’ve had a long day. When you’ve been disconnected for months, that same forgotten item can become one more piece of evidence that you don’t matter.
The behavior may be identical. The meaning you assign to it is not.
Gottman calls this positive and negative sentiment override. When there is enough goodwill in a relationship, we tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt. We may see our partner through something closer to rose-colored glasses. When hurt and distance have been accumulating, the lens can darken, and even neutral interactions can start looking suspicious.
The glasses change with the emotional climate of the relationship. When we feel close, we are more likely to interpret generously. When we feel disconnected, the same behavior can take on a very different meaning.
When the Lens Darkens
A partner’s silence becomes: They don’t care. A question becomes criticism. A suggestion becomes an attempt to control. Even affection can be met with, What do they want from me now?
Sometimes those interpretations are accurate. Sometimes they are shaped by months or years of hurt. Often, both are true.
Negative sentiment override doesn’t mean someone is making things up. It means the emotional climate of the relationship influences what we notice, what we discount, and what meaning we attach to what we see.
The Gap Widens Twice
There’s another part of this that I often demonstrate with couples using my hands.
First, I hold my hands close together and move them apart horizontally. That’s the emotional distance growing between two people.
Then I move one hand up and the other down. Something else has started happening: our estimation of our own contribution rises while our estimation of our partner’s contribution falls.
I do everything around here.
I’m the only one trying.
You have no idea how much I sacrifice.
The interesting part is that the other partner may be developing almost the same story from their side.
Now the couple isn’t only farther apart. They are keeping two different scorecards. My effort becomes enormous because I feel every ounce of it. Your effort becomes expected, discounted, or invisible.
There may also be real inequities that need to be addressed. The point isn’t that perception explains everything. It’s that distance can make it harder to see the whole picture.
Two People, Two Scorecards
One partner remembers every time they reached for connection and were rejected. The other remembers every time they reached out and were met with criticism. One remembers the sacrifices they made for the family. The other remembers the sacrifices nobody seemed to notice.
Both may have legitimate experiences. And both may be missing important parts of the other person’s experience.
Once I’m convinced my scorecard is the accurate one, your attempt to tell me what I’m missing can start sounding like an excuse rather than information.
We Also Bring Our Own Glasses
The lens isn’t shaped only by what has happened between us. We bring our own histories into the relationship too.
If I carry a lot of shame or expect rejection, “Did you remember to call the plumber?” may land as, You think I’m incompetent. I can never do anything right.
Now I’m defending myself against something you may not have actually said. You react to my defensiveness, I react to your reaction, and soon we’ve created the very disconnection I was trying to avoid.
That doesn’t mean every painful interpretation is a distortion. It does mean that when our reaction seems much bigger than the moment in front of us, it may be worth asking: What else am I hearing?
Taking Off the Glasses
We can’t simply decide to see our partner positively when there are real injuries, broken promises, or ongoing problems. Goodwill has to be supported by behavior. Trust may need to be rebuilt.
And we can get curious about the lens.
Before reacting to an ambiguous comment, try asking: “Is that what you meant, or is that what I’m hearing?”
When your partner tells you how they experienced something, see if you can resist correcting their scorecard long enough to understand what they’re counting. Understanding their experience doesn’t require abandoning your own.
The goal isn’t to trade dark glasses for rose-colored ones. It’s to notice the lens we’re looking through and see the relationship, and each other, as clearly as we can.
What is actually happening between us, and what have we come to believe it means?
About the Author
Kathryn "Kassie" Welch is a Resident in Marriage and Family Therapy providing online therapy to couples and individuals in Virginia Beach and throughout Virginia and Florida. Her work is grounded in the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy, with additional training in trauma, betrayal recovery, and neurodivergent relationships. She helps couples move beyond repeating patterns, strengthen communication, and create relationships that become a source of support rather than another source of stress.
Learn more or schedule a consultation at EngageRenewTherapy.com.
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