One of the hardest things about healing a marriage after years of hurt is that there often isn't one person who has been hurt and one person who did the hurting. Sometimes there are two people who have been hurting each other, and hurting themselves trying not to be hurt again.

We all know we're not perfect. Most of us would readily admit that we make mistakes, lose patience, and occasionally behave in ways we're not particularly proud of. And yet, when our partner gets something wrong, it can be surprisingly difficult to extend that same understanding to them.

We want to be loved as imperfect human beings. Can we offer our partner the same grace?

Most people enter difficult conversations hoping to be understood. We want our partner to understand why something hurt, why we reacted the way we did, or why something matters so much to us. The problem is that our partner often enters the same conversation wanting exactly the same thing. That can leave two people sitting across from one another, each trying harder and harder to explain themselves while neither feels heard.

Most of us have been taught to think about growth as a destination. Once I heal. Once I find the right partner. Once I lose the weight. Once I get the promotion. Once I retire. Then I'll arrive. The same belief often finds its way into our relationships. Once we get married. Once we buy a house. Once the kids are older. Once work settles down. Once we're out of debt. Then things will finally be easier. There is comfort in believing there is a finish line. Arrival promises relief. If we just work hard enough, perhaps one day we can finally exhale and enjoy the life or relationship we've worked so hard to build.

Our big beautiful brains are designed to make quick judgments. When information is missing, we instinctively fill in the blanks using our own experiences, fears, values, and expectations because our brains are designed to protect us. That ability helps us navigate the world efficiently, but it can become a liability in close relationships.