Most people enter difficult conversations hoping to be understood. We want our partner to understand why something hurt, why we reacted the way we did, or why something matters so much to us. The problem is that our partner often enters the same conversation wanting exactly the same thing. That can leave two people sitting across from one another, each trying harder and harder to explain themselves while neither feels heard.

Most of us have been taught to think about growth as a destination. Once I heal. Once I find the right partner. Once I lose the weight. Once I get the promotion. Once I retire. Then I'll arrive. The same belief often finds its way into our relationships. Once we get married. Once we buy a house. Once the kids are older. Once work settles down. Once we're out of debt. Then things will finally be easier. There is comfort in believing there is a finish line. Arrival promises relief. If we just work hard enough, perhaps one day we can finally exhale and enjoy the life or relationship we've worked so hard to build.

Our big beautiful brains are designed to make quick judgments. When information is missing, we instinctively fill in the blanks using our own experiences, fears, values, and expectations because our brains are designed to protect us. That ability helps us navigate the world efficiently, but it can become a liability in close relationships.